Stop the Beatings
I’m short. And Impatient. I stink at details, I am a horrible dancer, and I am a lousy athlete. Like you, I have dozens of imperfections and spend a lot of time focusing on them. How completely unproductive.
Worse yet, I spend far too much time focused on the shortcomings of others. The driver in front of me going 10 miles per hour under the speed limit. The salesperson that talks far too much. The entrepreneur pitching me for capital with a sloppy game plan. Unless you are serving on a jury, being judgmental of yourself and others yields just about the same benefit as eating nine glazed doughnuts in a row.
Not only is this tendency a total waste of time and energy, it depletes us. It robs our mojo when directed internally, and fuels anger and resentment when directed at others. Seriously… why bother?
Why do we spend so much time finding our faults instead of celebrating our strengths?
What would happen if we took all the time we spend beating ourselves and criticizing others and repurposed it into something positive? Think about how different your days would be if you replaced blame with gratitude. Think about how your confidence would soar if your internal dialog shifted from resentment to praise. Think about how you could spend all of that newfound energy directed at pursuing your full potential instead of tearing yourself (and others) apart.
Perhaps it is that wiring in our brains designed to protect us from the saber tooth tigers of a million years ago. No matter how it got there, it serves no useful purpose today. Working to improve others and us with positive reinforcement will drive humanity forward, whereas exacerbating weaknesses is nothing but a pointless and destructive act.
It’s time we stop beating ourselves for what we’re not and start cherishing what we are. It’s time to replace sharp criticism and finger-pointing blame with understanding and forgiveness.
It’s time to stop the beatings.
Josh,
In a form of a question, a mentor of mine changed my life (in fact, it’s the lead-off story you read in the book I handed to you when we met in Detroit!). It reframed my focus back in 1995, and continues to serve me to this day.
Ron was an academic advisor, while I was earning my degree to teach high school (Spanish and World History). At the end of a counseling (or was it therapy?!) session, he asked, “Would you know a good day, if you saw one?”
To stop the beatings, I stop at the end each day to journal the wins. One 3X5 note card a day is all it takes to direct focus on the past 18 or so hours of where we were big, on and strong. Thank you for writing this one today…
Thank you for posting “Stop the Beatings”. I recently did a catering job and I received lovely compliments from the host and guests all night long. Why is it that I have been feeling badly about what I did wrong ever since? I actually know why, but just because my dad expected me to be perfect as a kid doesn’t mean I need to keep being so hard on myself. I really appreciate being given the opportunity to think about my work with pride and gratitude instead of the negative chatter. I love your work! Ayesha
Josh,
This sounds a lot like the mission of Gallup, Inc. “From the cradle to the cubicle, we devote more time to fixing our shortcomings than to developing our strengths.”
Their consulting services focus around strengths rather than weaknesses! Check it out!
http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx
I am learning that even when I fail, the Lord’s mercy is meeting me right at that point and I receive His grace and move on. NO ONE IS PERFECT, so lets give each other grace and learn from one another…Confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed. When we share with a close friend, sometime we both get healed.
As my friend says to me….it is what it is and I add..keep moving forward! MJ
Great wisdom Josh!
Last fall after a great deal of personal stress and physical rehab, I found myself in a very negative, unproductive state of being, and interestingly enough, I was projecting my personal stress/anguish/imperfections onto other people. Mentally, I would criticize them for being slow in the grocery aisle, etc. I remember the “come to” moment, last December when I was walking through a Meijer, and thought to myself how unhappy I was, and it was because I was being negative, not because other people were doing anything wrong. Following that moment, I made a conscience effort to be postive, treat others more positively, and in turn, I have been having an amazing turn in 2012.
It speaks truth when you say “It’s time we stop beating ourselves for what we’re not and start cherishing what we are. It’s time to replace sharp criticism and finger-pointing blame with understanding and forgiveness.”
Thanks again!
No doubt! Could not agree more, good message. This is a lot of what Quantum Psychology is all about ….
Just practice these 5 methods and you will be happier..!!!
1. No Gossiping
It doesn’t matter how justified you think you are in talking about other people’s perceived shortcomings, doing so will never serve to bring about positive results.
When people do things that you don’t agree with or that you don’t understand, all that demonstrates is that they do not see life in the same way that you see it. It doesn’t it make them a bad person, it just means that their understanding of any given situation is different than yours.
Granted, in many circumstances it may seem painfully obvious that someone could have handled a situation in a more positive manner. However, even if that is the case, rehashing the details with other people will only perpetuate the negativity.
In addition, many people thrive on discourse and chaos, so by participating in negative discussions about others, all you are doing is indirectly giving people permission to continue adding fuel to that fire. When you are seen as a “negative fuel source,” you will invariably find that people will continue stopping by to get a fill-up!
2. No Whining or Complaining
Let me ask you this: Does whining or complaining about any given situation actually do anyone any good whatsoever?
I’m not talking about constructive criticism, learning from our mistakes, or recognizing pitfalls so that we can avoid them in the future. No, I’m talking about when a situation is already clearly less than desirable, yet you continue to talk about how undesirable it is!
When the office thermostat is broken and it is cold as a deep-freeze in your building, will anything be gained by continuing to repeat the obvious? If your spouse or significant other is being (in your opinion) unreasonable, are you going to gain anything by constantly spouting off about how upset you are about the situation?
Complaining accomplishes absolutely nothing other than drawing attention to an already less than favorable set of circumstances. If something is worth complaining about, then it is also worth taking action on. Stop whining, and start taking action, because if you don’t, all of the whiners and complainers will crowd around you in order to get their negativity fix.
3. No Co-Dependency
All of us have friends, family members, or co-workers who bring real-world negative issues to us, and ask for our input. Sometimes they are looking for advice, while other times they just want to “vent”.
In either case, however, pumping up their already negative point of view by agreeing how terrible any given situation is will only serve to cement in their minds how terrible that situation is! In addition, you will be sending them the clear signal that you are willing to be a sounding board for their complaints in the future.
Rather than rallying the forces of negativity in order to combat someone’s issues, instead just provide for them a calming, reassuring voice of reason when their lives are in turmoil. Don’t turn your back on them, but don’t fuel their point of view that they are the “victim” either.
Instead, listen with a compassionate ear while keeping your own feelings in check. You will do them much more of a service by helping them to find a positive spin on their situation rather than becoming a participant in their negativity.
4. No Cross Contamination
It is impossible to swim in a river full of muddy water, yet still be able to get out of that river without a speck of dirt on you. The only way to avoid that dirt – or that negativity – is to refuse to take a dip into that river in the first place.
From an emotional standpoint, it is not possible for you to participate in negativity, and then go back into your positive bubble without dragging some of that negativity in with you.
Most people would say that it is not possible for them to completely avoid negativity, and I would tend to agree. However, just because you are physically present in a situation does not mean that you need to actually participate on an emotional level.
You can be involved in a discussion or in the resolution of a negative situation without allowing your own emotional set point to drop down to a less-than positive level. When life throws negativity at you, stay in the game, but practice equanimity in order to handle the situation without allowing the negative vibrations to affect you on an individual level.
5. No Being “Holier than Thou”
After finding all of these great ways to recognize and avoid negativity, it becomes very easy to think that you are somehow “different” than everyone else. You start to feel “enlightened” and you recognize how a large number of the people in your life are on planes, trains, and automobiles that are all headed in the wrong direction.
Here’s a clue: get a grip on yourself! You are no better, nor any worse than any of those people. Those people are neither better, nor any worse than you.
The only difference between the “enlightened” you and the people who practice negativity is that you see things from a different point of view than they do. It is not appropriate for you to try to force your way of thinking onto those people, and in most cases it is also quite impossible.
By running around life with an attitude that you are somehow better than other people, all you will do is serve to alienate most of the people around you. Then, before you know it, other “holier than thou” individuals will start to flock to your side. Then all you will have accomplished is serving to divide your circle of influence into people who live on the “right” or the “wrong” side of the tracks – from your point of view.
Conclusion: By following guidelines similar to the methods that you just read, and by practicing the fine art of being positive, you will begin to enjoy your life and consciously create it to be whatever it is that you want it to be.
That’s the prize.
However, be advised that these success habits are just that – habits. Only practicing them when it is convenient for you to do so will only bring about positive results in small doses. Consistency is key.
Also, be prepared to burn some bridges in the process. Right now in your life there are probably people who will fade away completely when they realize that you will not be participating in their drama anymore.
The ladder of success is never crowded at the top!
I love your energy and I try and add your “tools” to my tool box for myself. I like your “drive humanity forward” quote. It would be great if we had a bottle of “positive forward energy” instead of the “stuck in 2nd gear and can’t get out energy” (grinding the gear over and over), I get in both modes and maybe if I tattoo a positive on my arm or picture I could just view it and instantly it changes my brain energy to “shift gears” I would like that. OK, I think you have so much cool energy thank you.
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I am big “fan” of your blog.
Your ideas have been inspirational, aspirational and very critical.
For many years I have been experiencing same beatings that you mention.
Maybe, with this I shall be able to stop some of those conciously.
Regards,
Bhavik