The Myth of Life Balance
In addition to reaching the top of our game in our careers, we feel crushing pressure to excel at nearly every other area of life. The list of “shoulds” puts us in a pressure cooker that could turn coal into diamonds. We should be have a sculpted body, be a perfect parent, be well-read and well-travelled, be a giving friend, have dozens of enriching hobbies, be involved at the church (or temple or mosque), be a loving spouse/partner, have a clean car and mowed lawn, play an instrument, master yoga, and volunteer in the community. Oh… and don’t forget plenty of “me” time for reflection.
And we wonder why we are filled with anxiety about life balance. But what’s the real cost to pursue it?
Sprinting toward unattainable desires is a major contributor to anxiety and depression. The irony is that maniacally chasing life balance may drive you to feeling more off-balance than ever.
While unpopular to say, the facts are the facts. The most successful people generally have horrible life balance. Business leaders such as Jobs and Carnegie had a notoriously unbalanced life. Edison slept four hours a day – in his lab. It’s the rare exception to find a movie star or idolized musician with an intact family, let alone attending the neighborhood barbecue.
Reminds me of one of my favorite Chinese proverbs, “Chase two rabbits and both will escape.”
The point I’m making will fuel controversy, and I will undoubtedly be overwhelmed with angry feedback. But the truth is that achieving at the highest levels requires sacrifice. If your goal is to be world-class at something and break new ground, you should probably accept the fact that your romantic notion of life balance is about as likely as prompt and caring service at the DMV.
If you’re running a startup, a three-week trip to Italy to see your family probably isn’t in the cards. If you have a dream of writing a bestselling novel, this goal will likely fizzle until you commit fully by backing off something else.
Think of the most powerful person in the world – the President of the United States. While our president exercises and appears to be a good father, he’s certainly not at every little league game and dance recital. By definition, great accomplishment requires tough choices. Being perfect in all areas of life is a fantasy that will only cause you stress and deplete your ability to achieve.
You can be great at something, but it’s impossible to be great at everything. Perhaps we can achieve better life balance by making thoughtful decisions on what matters most to us and not trying to do it all. That decision is yours. But for goodness sakes, stop driving yourself nuts trying to be a champion triathlete, award-winning chef, billionaire, and supermom all at the same time. Saying no to some desires will enable you attain the ones that you prioritize.
Like it or not, it’s focus that trumps life balance when unlocking your fullest potential.
Love your comment about “making thoughtful choices about what matters to us & not trying to do it all.” Great advice…thank you!
Prioritizing is a constant. Always asking yourself, is this the most important thing to do right now? And if wanting a successful family as a part of your life, then learning to be in the moment with them. Listen for more than what is being said. I once heard, you can have it all, but just not all at the same time! Great article, Josh.
Loved your article on life-balance, or should I say the myth of life-balance. Especially enjoyed the Chinese proverb quote: “Chase two rabbits and both will escape.”
Just what I needed to hear this morning, Josh, thanks!
You’re right Josh, to a point. Three weeks with family may not be in the cards at a point in time. Responsibilities do control where you must spend your time. Over your lifetime you will strike some kind of balance between business and your personal life. Otherwise you will become like Howard Hughes, reclusive and, quite frankly, mad. Every day people must make decisions about what is important to them on that day. They must decide how to spend their time that will lead them to fulfilling their dreams and their goals. Over a lifetime everyone finds some kind of balance in their life by deciding what their passions really are and how they can best pursue them.
Preach! Josh, this was well written and it is something that needed to be said. Achieving a balance 100% IS a myth. Bravo for giving solutions on how to break out of a cycle of anxiety and stress.
Josh,
You are right. Total focus is absolutely right for success which means you will be making sacrifices elsewhere in life. My success in advertising meant I was traveling constantly around the world. I love my kids, but also realized that my inner drive required this total commitment and focus. My kids remind to this day that I missed events in their life, but they also realize the work ethic and values I instilled in them, and the good fortune they’ve had in life as a result of my focus.
Josh: Well said and sound advice. What was most helpful in your blog today was the comment about balance requiring “tough choices”. You simply can’t have it all. Or, what I sometimes tell people when I’m coaching them is you can have it all – just not all at once! On behalf of the type “A” people thanks for the reminder on how to find more sanity and peace.
Well put Josh, especially your next to last paragraph. More important than trying to find time to do everything well and keep balance is the difficult task of having to prioritize and DECIDE what is important enough to get focused attention AT ANY GIVEN TIME. Those choices will inevitably change over time and personal circumstance, and making them allows one to be in control of your own life rather than at the mercy of the currents flowing along. Choices we don’t make wind up being made for us, and not necessarily the way we’d like.
I think the other key message for everyone, and especially for would be entrepreneurs, is that pursuing a BHAG (big, hairy audacious goal) absolutely REQUIRES that some other things drop off in importance and time available, and that better be a conscious choice, made personally in collaboration with the other people in your life that matter most.
And as for chasing two rabbits, maybe it’s a question of focus and supportive tools. Given a good rifle and careful aim, it may be possible to get both after all. One at a time.
YES! For many the appropriate choices are ones that lead to balance. However, committing to excellence in an area most often requires sacrifices in others. It is important that those that want to excel realize that fact. (Should we even call it a Law of Excellence since it has all the validity of the Third Law of Motion?) There are only twenty four hours in a day. The recommendation to decide how to spend each one according to your own priorities is perfect.
If balance is a priority, spend your time in balance. However, if excellence is a priority, expect to spend more time and effort pursuing that excellence, and therefore, by definition, not be ‘balanced’.
Josh, this was a great message for me. Once I talk myself into focus, and forgiving myself for not being all things to all people — I find there are lots of observers who keep tugging at me. Now learning how to embrace the cheerleaders and manage the “noise” from the demonstrators.
-Gary
Another “must print” blog from you.
Josh, I think this is extremely relevant and is really well said. I think the only part people can logically say is controversial is a question of WHAT you give up, not IF you give something up. I think it’s important to identify what your chief responsibilities are – for me things like my kids and my family would be the last category to cut back on.
However, I do think there’s such a thing as too much focus on one goal – sometimes the best thing you can do to find the newest and most innovative idea is to step back and do something else for a few minutes. The mental processes behind watching your kid’s baseball game, or going for a quick run, or cooking your own dinner puts you in a new state of mind with new approaches and renewed creativity. (Not to mention the health benefits of doing something other than sitting at a desk.) I think as you said yourself in a previous entry at some point – you can’t solve a problem by using the same thinking that caused the problem in the first place.
As Steve Jobs so eloquently put: “focus is about saying no.”
Hello Josh,
It was a great surprise to see the topic of balance in your blog so quickly after I had suggested it. Great content, well spoken message.
I’m starting to get in the habit of the Hemingway bridge, suggested in your book. This helps me to keep on track and get items checked off on the never ending to do list. This allows me more time for the semi-balance of pleasure.
Thanks for your wisdom.
–Suzanne Klein
http://www.WriteStepsWriting.com
Well, Josh, so much for controversy and negative feedback, eh? As per your norm, another great blog!
Now you’ll have to write one on “how to say no”.